My New Girlfriend

I recently started seeing someone, and I'm very excited. She's also very happy about the relationship, and so we decided to make it Facebook official. Like any good news, I can’t help but tell people about her wherever I go. Since I am a Blogger, I’m going to tell the world about how great she is!

The first thing I have to say about her is that she is beautiful. It's hard to make objective analyses when you're in love, but how I see it, she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I know that a spiritual person would list all the spiritual things first and then only at the end, if pressed, confess to beauty. But I can't, because she's that beautiful. Instead of just listing her colors which anyone can do, I'm going to try to give an analogy. I see in her face a light like a diamond. Like a diamond, her face glitters in the sunlight; every angle and every moment shows some new beauty I had missed before.

And another thing that shouldn't matter (but it does): she's rich. But not Old-Money-rich. By her brilliance and her shrewdness, she has become rich. And you all know how much I love an entrepreneur. Though it's just a perk, I've been living like a rich man since I've been seeing her. She has a good perspective on money, too: it is fuel for Kingdom work. The impact that she and I can have will be extended because of her wealth.

But the greatest thing about her is her mind. Wow! What she talks about just constantly blows me away! Before her, I thought I was smart. Natural science, philosophy, theology, anything! She knows about everything! And she doesn't just know about it, she understands it deeply, weaving all subjects together into a beautiful tapestry! She has incredible insight into how every science and realm of knowledge fits together in God's plan. I hope you can forgive my nerdiness, but I can't help it: she is doing with everything what Maxwell did with Electromagnetism.

I could listen to her words forever. Her voice is like a song, the song of a Seraph, and draws me ever into new truth. Every day I am with her, I see God afresh. As I spend time with her, I see more clearly my faults and where I disappoint God. And with her, I have been inspired as never before to bring my life completely into line with God’s Law. But she doesn’t drain my spirit by nagging; she does just the opposite. Hearing her voice gives me vibrancy; I live with more boldness and richness knowing she is mine. When I have a rough day, or when something bad happens, it doesn’t matter as much because whatever it is won’t stop me from looking on her beautiful eyes again; trouble seems to be less troublesome because I have her.

She is a very strong woman. Previously I didn't know if I wanted to be with someone so strong. But I have realized that her strength is not one of domination; it is a strength that gives me strength. I am not dominated by her, but empowered. It is like the strength of an ally, not a commander. Despite her high intelligence, she has a sincere heart for those who aren't as smart. She's constantly teaching and giving people the level of truth they can accept. But woe unto you if you mock her! Someone tried to attack one of her ideas by a stupid joke; I was immediately filled with anger that someone would attack my girl, but before I could say a word, she was already tearing him to shreds with such viciousness that he won't soon forget it. And I saw the look in her eye when she did it: she enjoyed it. And it made me think, with all my ideas of manliness and protecting women: who is protecting whom?

It has not been very long, but I feel close to God when I am close to her. It's a wonderful feeling, one I've never had before. It is the assurance that I am with the right person. When we embrace, I am in the presence of God; when we kiss, I am drawn up to Heaven's throne room. Intimacy with her is a holy thing, set apart from normal experience. Nothing I could ever have wanted compares to her. Some might say that it's premature to say this, but I intend to make her the principal thing in my life. I love her. My heart is clear. I love her. And I hope that we will be together forever.

The hardest thing for me to overcome in this relationship is her age. She’s quite a bit older than me. I just turned 26, and she has been established from everlasting, from the beginning, before there was ever an earth. But as it has been said (and I believe): love knows no boundaries. A 14-billion-year age difference shouldn't matter when two people really love each other.

 
Oh yes. And I forgot to tell you her name. Her name is Wisdom, and I hope that she will be mine forever!

*************************************************

I hope that you can forgive me this little deception (not a lie, because it’s mostly true :); read it again and see!). I was reading Proverbs comparing wisdom to a woman and a relationship. I read the book as if it was for the first time; a truly fresh perspective. Then I thought that I’d be able to get other people to see it the same way if I played a trick on them on Facebook. By this trick, I could give my friends and family the gift of a fresh perspective on Proverbs and on Wisdom.

So now you’re in on the secret! If you’d like to play along, please post “I’m so happy for you!”s on Facebook. Otherwise, if you want to be a humbug about it, please feel free to post all humbug comments right here on Arena-Man (or email me).

Proverbs references that inspired this:

4:8 Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her.
3:15 She [is] more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.
4:7 Wisdom [is] the principal thing; [therefore] get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
4:5 Get wisdom, get understanding…
3:13 Happy [is] the man [that] findeth wisdom, and the man [that] getteth understanding.
8:18 Riches and honour [are] with me; [yea], durable riches and righteousness
 8:5 O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart.
1:22 How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?
1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;
8:23 I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.
8:30 Then I was by him, [as] one brought up [with him]: and I was daily [his] delight, rejoicing always before him;

Studying, Taking and Building

I just finished a 20 year career of listening to people talk at me. On Friday, I anticlimactically drew 63 filled-in ovals with a #2 pencil on a green and white piece of paper. If I put them in the right places, then it means that the $15,000 I paid in tuition this quarter, worked (actually, it was the government who paid, and the government who will make darn sure I pay it back). I have 2 short years left of working in the hospital, and then people will have to call me “doctor” and I get to write “MD” after my name (which will work out to more than $100,000 per letter).

How do I feel? Well, if you know me long enough, you’ll know that I don’t feel very much of anything emotionally. But if I feel anything, it is relief. Saturday night, I drove south from Stanford with all of my earthly possessions packed into my Toyota Prius with not a care in the world; the super moon rose over the desert landscape somewhere near Bakersfield (and I caught it!). I was on no schedule (and firmly intend to keep it that way for at least a week).

I enjoy classrooms, but I really enjoy doing things. And now I am one step closer to doing stuff. It’s rather exciting. But in the back of my mind, there a voice nags me, “Why weren’t you content in the classroom? Have you no patience?”

I told someone once that I wasn’t a patient person. In the Biblical sense (translated longsuffering), I think patience is a virtue I possess to some degree. I can endure unpleasant things (like years of stasis in classrooms). But I am not ‘patient’ as it may be used in common speech: I am not content with inaction; I am not content with stasis. Perhaps it is by my arrogance that I can look at the privilege of studying as stasis. But thus it is in my mind.

I am in my element when I am building, be it an idea, a machine or an organization. Up to now, building has been relegated to the periphery by my ‘real job’ in the classroom. And this has always frustrated me. It felt like, for the past two decades, I have done nothing but take. I’ve piled up for myself more and more knowledge, swelling my head to the point of bursting (as some of you have noticed on this blog). I understand that it may be necessary; but now, if I am to be a person who gives, I must break a lifelong career and habit of taking.

But I hope I can break it. I hope that as my life progresses, I will be able to give more. I hope that I can give in the way that I love: through building.

Shabbat Shalom

After a wonderful lunch with churchmates, I decided to go to campus. Years ago, I had committed to obey (as best I could) the Sabbath (or at least the Christian variant), and so I’ve worked hard to not work hard on Sunday.

It is an incredible feeling. There is lots to do. But none of it can be done on Sunday, and so, for a brief window, I have complete freedom and no responsibility. No nagging, “You should be…”s; no guilt; no fear. Sunday is a fortress, with high walls between it and the catch-up work of Saturday, and the renewed stresses of Monday.

I made it to campus and parked. I walked around, pondering what I would, near the medical school. After a while, my feet were a bit tired, so I rested on a bench. The sun was warm, and I laid back, deep in thought and meditation. Then I realized that my thoughts were drifting away; I was tired.

I grabbed a sleeping pad from my car (Be Prepared is the motto of a Boy Scout, after all) and laid down on it in the grass, the warm afternoon sun shining down on me. It was winter, so it was not so harsh or vertical that I needed shade. Under this warmth, I drifted away into the long-lost land of sleep. I woke up refreshed. I can’t remember the last time I have taken a nap.

I decided to make my way over to Lagunita, a one-time lake with a beautiful trail along the edge of it. Perhaps I could enjoy the sunset from there. I drove to that side of campus, and on the way, noticed a beautiful field, shaded by several old trees. I love trees, especially very old trees, and the sight of these trees over the grasses struck me. I found a place to park and walked through the field of grass, tall and fresh with the recent rains. I wondered at the overlapping shadow of the blades of grass on each other and the orange hue that was falling over them. As I walked, I smiled broadly. The beauty was like water, and I drank it up with a great thirst. If anyone had seen me, they might of though me mad, for as I walked, I laughed out loud. What else could one do before such joy?

I sat down under the spreading oak tree and admired the field. It was beautiful! A chill ran down my spine all the way down my legs. I took a deep breath. Another chill came. My heart was filled with gratitude toward the Creator, this great Artist. My heart was heavy, a strange feeling that had never before come with gratitude (by the way, I’m not quite sure how, neurologically, we can feel a ‘heavy heart,’ though we all have). I have felt my heart heavy with sadness or guilt, but never with gratitude. The field was serene, and I heard nothing but the occasional light rustle of a falling leaf. My hands felt the rugged bark of the tree, and I picked up handfuls of dirt just to know its feel.

Leaving the tree, I looked back at the scene, the same perspective as before but now an hour later; the shadows were changed, the brightness reduced, and every color warmed. A chorus of birds began to sing behind me. Each thing, from the blade of grass to the great oak, was made for Beauty. Old Oak was made to sing worship to his creator in a deep, slow baritone; Madam Bird in her sweet tweet, tweet. The thought of it overwhelmed me. My heart was full of beauty and gratitude. With this final stroke, it overflowed and I cried.

Oh Lord! Why have you loved me so? Why have you given me eyes to see such wonders, fingers to feel the simple beauty? Why have you so flooded the earth with such wonders? Am I a billionaire that I can afford admission to such a scene? Have I done some great deed to be rewarded with such treasure as the Birdsong or the Canticle of the Oak?

Thank you for raining beauty upon all the earth, that any open vessel might catch it. Thank you, Abba, for loving me.

1. 14/14 days; 2. 180/180 minutes; 3. 2/2 weeks

New Year's Resolution

It's that time of year again. The time to make promises that make you feel good about yourself for a while, the kind that get you to buy gym memberships that will never be used and diet cookbooks that will never get read.

New Years Resolutions raise many interesting issues. Why do we make them? And why do we continue making them even in the face of near universal failure?

I think it's because we seek perfection, and the New Year makes us think about ways that we are not perfect. We are creatures that desire to be something we are not. And we think that if we're really, really sure about the kind of creatures we want to be for one day (Jan 1), then we can make ourselves into them. If we want to be a fit, healthy-eating, on-time, family-oriented, non-procrastinating person, then all we have to do is declare we will be such on January the First, and, come January the Second, that is what we shall be.

It's rather audacious. But we, alone in the Cosmos, are unsatisfied with what we are. And we fail and fail again at self-improvement, yet we try and try again. Like some persistent tank engine, we continue to tell ourselves "I think I can" when all evidence would support the assertion, "I can't."

We, as a culture, are so bad at self-improvement, that we often assert that it cannot be done at all. For example, in LA, a company is very effectively marketing bariatric surgery with the following: "Diets Fail! Lap Band Works!" People compare willpower to fuel in a car, and when you use it up, you can't do anything. And so people don't try, and the prophecy fulfills itself.

But we, as a race, have produced some pretty incredible will-ers. The Desert Fathers would go without food and water for long periods of time; Francis of Assisi went without clothing for periods; monks would wade waist deep into the North Sea and pray for hours in the freezing waters; Johnathan Edwards (the theologian) would study so intensely that he would miss multiple meals. I'm sure other traditions have similar characters. It's not that people can't do it, it's just that Americans can't. And I'm as guilty as any other. I don't exercise like I should. I don't spend time with God. And I want that to change.

One 'trick' that people used to use that we don't anymore is peer pressure. At least we don't often use it for good things. We rarely ask friends and strangers to hold us accountable for our actions (in economic terms, few of us are "complex hyperbolic discounters"). So I will enlist you, my invisible audience, to aid me with my self-improvement. I commit to three goals, all very tangible and objective, and I will post my progress on these three goals in the postscript of my blog every week. That way I have no excuse. If I screw up, you see it. A few rules: I can't get more than 100% in a period (no storing up), Week 1 is 1/3-1/9, I can't do make-ups, and I can't lie ;).

I have three resolutions:

Resolution the First: spend 30 minutes with God every day.
Resolution the Second: exercise 90 minutes per week.
Resolution the Third: write at least one blog entry per week.

1. 7/7 days; 2. 90/90 minutes; 3. 1/1 weeks

My Greatness

"You're amazing!" "You're so smart!" "Good for you!" "Congratulations!""You deserve it!"

I've gotten this a lot this last week. Not because I just started being amazing or smart, or because I actually did something important, but because a group of people out near Palo Alto said I was amazing. They did this in the form of an offer of acceptance to Stanford School of Medicine.

I can now brag (and so can my friends and family) about "being accepted to Stanford." I have achieved the very highest of Med School Applicant-dom; I am the greatest! But what is greatness? What is my greatness? What can be my boast?

The first thing to consider is that this acceptance is just a symbol. I have not actually done anything. The thing that changed was not that I accomplished something new, but that someone important recognized that I had accomplished something. I can't boast about another's opinion; it's not mine.

Nevertheless, the acceptance was caused by my accomplishments. All the hooplah might be indeed justified, if a few years late. But let's look at this closely. Why did I get an acceptance to Stanford? There are three main reasons:

#1 I had good enough numbers; i.e. I was smart enough.
#2 I had amazing extracurriculars. I started FISH.
#3 I had a great research experience. I got published.

#1 My smartness is not something I control. I was born smart; it was literally a gift of God. I can't rightly boast about something borrowed. "Hey guys, check out my Ferrari!" "When'd you get it?" "It's not mine, but aren't I cool?" Nevertheless, you could say that I put my smarts to good use by studying hard. Perhaps I could boast about my choice to use my talents.

#2 The story of the founding of FISH and its early years is one built upon miracles. 6 people agreeing to work towards something that none of us had ever done or even thought possible was the first. The second major miracle was the introduction to Dr. Tamez. One phone call to my friend, caused his friend's mother's church's deacon (who's a doctor) to call us and invite us immediately to a clinic, getting our foot in the door abroad. The third is our discovery of Maclovio Rojas. Armed with the information: "a town called Maclovio Rojas off the free road to Tecate needs help," we drove to Mexico, without almost any Spanish speaking ability. We ended the day with the keys to a clinic secured for the following week and an open invitation from the leadership of the community. Without any of those three events, FISH would be exactly what most other premed groups are: not impressive. And I'd be what most other premed officers are: not impressive. But God chose to perform these miracles in FISH. How can I brag about that? Sure, I worked hard, but it would have been for naught without the miracles.

#3 My research position was a gift from God. I was by no means the smartest or best researcher. I, an engineer, was picked up by a Pathologist, who decided he wanted to train me and bring me up as a scientist. He gave me a job I could actually do, throwing me right in the middle of the most promising collaboration he had going. And I got published. Good for me! Not really. I was faithful and did my job as best as I could, but the biggest and most impossible hurdle was getting the perfect position. I had no say in that. If anything I can only boast in doing my job.

So Stanford didn't get a brilliant, intrepid, innovative leader-scientist as they thought; they simply got a someone who God blessed and is blessing. I suppose it's all the same for them; they get blessed on account of me (like Pharaoh on account of Joseph). The bottom line for me is that, in each of these three critical areas, I don't have much that I can claim besides faithful work. Can I boast in that?

How did I even choose to work hard? My choice was an act of my will. If you're a scientist and a determinist, my 'will' is nothing more than an illusion, so nothing to boast about. If you're a Christian and anything but a Calvinist, my will itself is perhaps the most incomprehensible gift of God: freewill, independent action, is a divine attribute that we have the great privilege of sharing in. In essence, God has ceded part of His will to me, on loan until (or if) He wants it back. Until then, I can use it to make decisions about working hard or not.

So even the mechanism by which I make my decisions is borrowed. So can I rightly boast about it? My will acts before God; if I were to boast, it would be before Him. That is an exceedingly bad idea considering how often and grievous my errors are.

So what is left of my greatness? Nothing. It is, at best, only as the greatness of a mirror. I have no greatness in me, and the most I can ever hope to do is to cleanly reflect the brilliant glory of God. There is no other shape or form in which I can appear as brightly. While I cannot boast about my greatness, I can certainly boast about His.

Listen to the conclusion of the matter:
Praise God. Praise God for FISH. Praise God for his blessings in my research. Praise God for the mental talents he has bestowed on me. Praise God that someone saw it and has given me an opportunity; indeed, praise God that I was accepted to Stanford! But please, for the love of God, don't praise me.

Adventure

I have had several recent epiphanies that have shaken my comfortable equilibrium.

• We are owners and heirs, not beggars. It is not we who should or could ever be ashamed, for we are Sons of the Kingdom. We are in a superior position to the rest of the world, so should never be embarrassed to speak with any of our subjects regardless of the circumstances.
• Mockery is something to be desired, though perhaps not sought directly. We ought to glory in our sufferings, not complain and fear them.
• We are off the track, no longer a car in Disneyland Autopia with two feet of freedom. We are truly free to go where we will, and finally to follow Christ through the wilderness and into the Promised Land.
• Modern Christianity is truly an imprisoning track. It has negative commands but few positive ones, except selfish ones. There is no reason for prayer, no purpose to sharpening our sword and no point to drilling with our brothers in arms, for there is no war. We have constructed a fort in enemy territory rather than assaulting. He is quite content to siege it, cutting us off from his land and preventing any real damage to his territory, and causing our starvation in our fort.
• I now have peace now that I don't know the future. I cannot worry about the future for I no longer pretend to see it. I know only that there are dangers, risks and adventures before me, that Christ is at my side, and that I cannot ultimately fail.
• This drastic and passionate paradox of security in victory and total ignorance of circumstance beautifully describes this aspect of the faith. "The lion lays down with the Lamb." Only in Christianity is such a ludicrous desire matched by so ridiculous doctrine.

[Journal entry written 1:00AM on 1/23/08]

Discipline (II)

So I memorized a grip of Bible verses, went to bed, woke up with my alarm, ran 3 miles and then wasted 6 hours. I then recovered, read my Bible and started reading poetry, overcoming the temptation to watch Star Wars in the living room. Overall, mediocre.

Thank you, my invisible audience. The day would have otherwise been a complete waste without you.

Now you have an opportunity to become visible. What do you want me to write about? Post a comment and it will heavily influence what I write about. I have many ideas that I'd write for me; however, if I knew it was benefiting or entertaining more people than me, I'd be much more motivated to write.

• Political ("Why you should vote for Ron Paul" or"Why we shouldn't recycle paper")
  
• Reflections on the book of Esther (I read it last night)
  
• Poetry discussions (I just read through some Blake)
  
• The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (a book about Objectivism that I'm planning on reading)
  
• Personal updates (my musings on medical schools, interviews, and class)
  
• Other ideas

Discipline

I just watched the Bourne Ultimatum with my family. Of course, the movie was awesome, but it reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend BJ about discipline. We talked about how cool it was that humans can do so much if we put our minds to it. Jason Bourne is a super hero simply because of his training. There are a million other movies/people who are similarly cool. Hitman, Batman Begins, etc.

There are also plenty of real life examples of discipline. There are Jews who memorize the Torah. The entire Torah. Eastern Monks become masters at martial arts. Even people who live in a disciplined setting for a few years have their lives changed. I know people who go into the military as slobs and come out four years later as upstanding and disciplined men.

People use discipline to accomplish great things. In general, though, it does not seem to be a very American attribute. In school, procrastination seems to be the rule. Why do an hour a day when you can do five hours the night before? Likewise in the church, even the most pious churchgoer has difficulty spending even 10 minutes a day reading the Bible. There is no society or authority to enforce discipline.

In Boot Camp, you learn quickly to wake up on time, make your bed, and look sharp by 5AM every morning. Perfection is expected. You get yelled at and mocked if you are less than perfect. They don't ask nicely to wake up early and do PT. You know that waking up that early and exercising is good for you, but you'd never do it on your own (if you are a normal American). They demand you do what you know is best for you.

Sometimes I wish this was true of the church. Not in an obligatory, legalistic manner, but in a voluntary and manly manner. I want to go to a Bible boot camp or join Bible ROTC. I want someone to kick my butt at 5AM and help me do what I am too weak to do by myself. I want to be mocked by my peers when I don't show up. I want to be ridiculed by my leader when I am late. Why? Because I know I am capable of so much more.

Nobody has ever done anything like this to me. It's understandable given draconian enforcements to orthodoxy of the past. However, I think the pendulum has swung way to far on the side of softness. Especially for men.

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self‑discipline."

And this is speaking of external discipline ("chastening" in the KJV):

Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

And added the day after initial writing:

1 Petet 1:13 (KJV) "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;"
In writing this, I now realize this is all one big intellectual excuse. If only ______, I would have discipline. I need to gird up my loins and be disciplined. Tomorrow I need to wake up early, exercise and read my Bible. I need to not waste time playing video games our lounging around the house. While it would be great if there was something to help me, I have it in me to do it myself and I need to stop complaining about the state of the world and do what's already in me.


I will post tomorrow and let you know how much a man I am.

Ambition + Drive

Today and yesterday I was feeling sick (again). I had a conversation this morning and I complained about the worst part: lack of drive.

My classes are the limit of my thinking. I did not have a 1/2-page margin today filled with business ideas, spiritual revelations and to-do lists. I just listened. I think I learned more than I normally do.

However, I'm working on a project with my church, and I have no ambition to do it. I can think of things to do. Before I would have a pressing drive to do as many as I could as fast as I could, and then to think of new things to do. Today I just drifted, dutifully doing my homework.

I feel subdued. Maybe this is how normal people live all the time. It's like I'm normally awake, looking around in every direction, first at the path in front of me, then thinking about short-cuts and potential cross-country jaunts, afterwards up into the blue sky and distant future, finally taking in the scenery. Then back at the trail. It is a lot easier to do what I did this week: keep your eyes fixed on the trail in front of you and not spend time looking elsewhere.

With this level of ambition as a permanent state, I probably would do what all my peers are going to do: settle into a job and just do what I'm supposed to. I would be something safe and secure, working 8 hours a day and making a good amount of money.

Just three weeks ago I wanted to break out and do something crazy and ambitious, throwing all caution to the wind. This week, I just want to stay comfortable. Today, I am satisfied in doing nothing more than filling out applications and doing my homework. My three-weeks-ago self would be appalled!

Should I fight this feeling of mono-pathy (sort of like a-pathy, but with a single-focused concern)? Should I ever strive to be uncomfortable? Or should I settle down when my body wants to settle down?

I think I'm going to have to opt for the first option. I'll try to do the things I would normally do by nature when I am feeling well. If I don't have ambition, I'll fake it.

I'll just re-read Teddy's admonition (conveniently printed at the top of my blog), hop back into the arena whether I feel like it or not, and get more bloody.

Laryngitis

I'm back. After long abandonment of my poor blog, I have returned!

Perhaps this need for expression is overwhelming as I have not been able to talk (Doctor's orders: Laryngitis). Maybe it's because everyone's doing it. Maybe I've been inspired by someone's example. Maybe it's because I'm procrastinating right now.

Whatever the reason. Here is one post. In the next post, I will briefly reflect what I've learned from a day without talking:

Have you ever not talked for an entire day? I hadn't either before today. It's really hard. Really hard. I bought a mini white board and have been writing notes like "HIS NAME IS JOHN" or "3 item: orange chicken, black pepper chicken, kung Pao."

The main lesson I think God has been attempting to drive into my thick skull is that 1. SLOW DOWN. 2. I should listen more 3. I should talk to God more. 4. Don't waste words.

1. I have been going very fast and doing too much. I need to slow down, and not being able to talk has facilitated that. I can't do everything I planned to do, and I'm liking it. It's very peaceful.

2. Not being able to talk at all forces me to listen to people a lot more.

3. Out of a need to talk with someone, I have been forced to communicate with God, the only one who can actually hear my thoughts. It has been refreshing spending time with God. He always has to do things like that to me.

4. I waste a lot of words. There is so much stupid stuff I think about saying, but the investment of writing it down on a whiteboard really dissuades me from "saying" it. Pro 17:27a "He that hath knowledge spareth his words..." I must have tons of knowledge today! Although I have even resorted to wasting whiteboard words. And probably blog words. So much for knowledge...

Overall, Laryngitis has been a largely positive experience, though not one I'd like to share with my friends.

A Man in the Arena

Through a long series of events, I have decided to blog. And what better time to make a first blog post than at 4:03AM.

My inspiration for the name of the blog was Theodore Roosevelt. I just finished a 2-part biography of him and I really respected him. After reading some of the things he said, I like him even more. One of the most meaningful to me was the "Man in the Arena" quotation:

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

Over the past few years, I've been challenged again and again, emotionally, socially, philosophically, and spiritually, and I've not always felt 'victorious.' I've gotten undesirable grades on midterms, forgotten homework, botched debates, misrepresented Christ, needlessly insulted and offended people, and poorly led FISH on occasions. In spite of this, Roosevelt's words inspired me. I realized that I shouldn't expect a clean 'victory;' I should get bloody when you fight. Victory is showing up and fighting, and if I've done anything, it's that. I've showed my face in many an 'arena' and gotten bloodied up almost as many times. Nevertheless, I've fought for three years, and as Roosevelt recommends, I intend to continue to fight for the next two , and I won't stop then!

I don't know what this blog will become, what I will talk about, or what you should check back expecting (you can check out my interests for hints). I do know that I fully intend to keep fighting, and there will be plenty of battles and bruises to recount.

P.S. I enjoy writing. It may be therapeutic for me, and it may help me organize my thoughts. Nevertheless, if you enjoy what I write, please post comments. If I see that I'm helping (or at least entertaining) people, it will be a real reason to pound on plastic cubes in front of a lighted piece of glass/plasma at 4:24AM.